According to stereotypes, men are
the sexually voracious cheaters and women are the emotionally hungry commitment
seekers. But these heterosexual tropes are pretty reductive and fail to take
into account that women like sex, too. In
fact, plenty of women seek emotional and sexual satisfaction outside of
monogamous relationships.Studies have shown that not only do women have affairs about as often as men do,
but some of them might also be genetically predisposed to
the kinds of desires that lead to infidelity — yes, really. In a 2014 study, researchers found a
significant association between variants of a certain gene and infidelity in
women. They didn’t find any such link in
men.
Of course, people cheat for all sorts of reasons — sexual desire, emotional
fulfillment, a life crisis, revenge, and boredom are just a few common
motivations for both genders. But if there’s research suggesting that women are
just as prone to affairs as their male counterparts, why does it often feel
like we hear fewer stories of female infidelity?
*All of the
names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.
Alison, 34,
Detroit
“It didn’t lead
off in a physical way. We met at a conference and just immediately connected.
It was like a lightbulb went off. It wasn’t the romantic potential that was
driving my interest in him; it was this person that was engaging me in a way I
found interesting and very…well, seductive.
"When we
eventually met up a month later, I waited until the last possible moment to say
‘I have a boyfriend.’ I didn’t want to tell him, because I was having so much
fun enjoying myself, and I was so curious about this person. There’s a mystique
involved in there being a possibility, and I knew that once I said that, it
would end the possibility.
"We parted
ways that night, but I knew I wanted to see him again. He had given me this
undeniable boost and engaged me [in] a different way from how my boyfriend
engages me. Not better, not worse, just different.
"So M has
become a part of my life. Sometimes we hook up, sometimes we don’t. Once, we
just went skinny dipping and talked all night. Sometimes I feel bad about
lying, but I don’t feel bad about anything else.
"I would
feel like shit if I got caught. I know if he found out, he would be absolutely
devastated, and things would be over. It has crossed my mind that maybe I’m
behaving in this way because I want out of my current relationship. But I don’t
want out of my current relationship; we’re newly engaged. And I also want to
continue my relationship with M so that we can both continue to get the
positive things we get out of it.
"I’ve never
wanted to define myself. I’m interested in finding the boundaries and pushing
them.”
Mackenzie, 25,
San Francisco
“I have had
different roles in [cheating]. I’ve been the other woman before; I’ve been the
home-wrecker twice. I was with my girlfriend for three years and cheated seven
times with seven different people.
"Our
relationship was growing further and further apart. I wasn’t really being
valued or appreciated at home. I had these opportunities when I was out in the
world, traveling and doing art, where I would find people that did appreciate
me. So I kept taking these opportunities as a way of, like, ‘Catch me! Try to
catch me!’ and I wasn’t getting caught.
"And if I
wasn’t getting caught, that was more of a problem. This person had me in her
space every day, but she wasn’t paying attention to me or the signs. At first I
was doing it to grab attention, and then I did it for self-gratification.
"It took me
a few months after breaking up with this person to really sit with the fact
that I slept with all these people that she didn’t know about. What was that
about, and why did I do it? It was about communication. I did not take the
opportunity to verbalize and to fix and to repair what was broken. After
thinking about that, I realize that it’s an unhealthy practice.
"Personally,
I think I should never have to sneak around and do something I can’t brag
about. Living with integrity is the bigger value.”
Lisa, 26,
Chicago
“My girlfriend
of four years was suffering from alcoholism. I had been taking care of her
through multiple organ failures, multiple rehab facilities, and basically
learning how to reuse her body. At no point did I stop loving her, but the
reality is that I was a 26-year-old in a relationship with the equivalent of an
80-something-year-old.
"I was
visiting her every day in the hospital, and I just felt so alone. And then a
friend who I had a relationship with years ago moved back into town. We went
out to dinner to catch up, and then back to his apartment. We’re hanging out,
chatting, and the next thing you know, we’re having sex.
"When I
left his apartment, I felt so oddly not guilty about it. I needed to feel close
to a person, and I just needed to get laid. One of my biggest fears was that I
would start to resent my relationship with my girlfriend because she couldn’t
give me something that is an important part of a relationship.
"I figured
if I could fill this small void with a friend who I trust, but who I also have
no romantic feelings for, I will be protecting myself from getting emotionally
attached to someone else. I wasn’t looking for an out, and I wasn’t looking for
a replacement.
"There were
times when I would go visit her the next day and ask myself, ‘What is wrong
with you? You are a terrible human being.’ Of course that was there. But I
truly felt it was what I needed to do to stay as available and there for her as
possible. I am not saying it is okay — if I had told her, she would have broken
up with me. But there’s a part of me that wonders if she knew.”
Kristen, 30,
Bristol, RI
“I think
cheating has been part of most of my relationships. I don’t know if it’s the
age we live in, my bad judgement, or what. I cheated on my high school
boyfriend with his best friend. It wasn’t until years later that I realized
what a betrayal it was, but I try not to dwell on it. We were kids.
"Years
later, I cheated on the only man I ever truly loved. I wanted to share my life,
my house, my son with him. I would have done anything for him, but he was 42
and never married. He liked his independence and broke up with me once, which
devastated me. When we, slowly, did get back together, I tried my best to
conform to the kind of relationship he was comfortable with.
"Then I
started an emotional, and later physical, affair with a higher-up at my bank
job. We were both in relationships that weren’t working. I was trying my best
not to smother the person I loved, and his marriage was being held together by
his kids. Honestly, we started loving each other in a different way. We
understood each other; he became my best friend. We talked on the phone about
everything, and we had really fun sex.
"This went
on for two years. In the end, J found out, because I stopped caring and stopped
loving him. I left my computer out while I was out of town, and he found the
emails from D. This wasn’t the same kind of cheating I did when I was 17. I
knew my relationship with J would end, and I think I wanted it to. I was hurt
that he barely even sensed that I was doing this. I started to realize I could
have a better relationship — not with D, but with someone.”
Jenni, 31,
Omaha, NE
“If you asked
the people in our community why my ex-husband and I got divorced, it’s because,
three years ago, I ‘fell in love with someone else.’ It’s a sad but
understandable story. They still judge, but there’s something kind of romantic
about it. But it isn’t what happened.
"A lot of
people don’t know that I was actively trying to get a divorce for two years
before I finally got it — that our marriage was so bad, I had anxiety attacks
every day for six months, that I thought about killing myself several times. I
felt trapped. We were poor, only had one car, and shared a job. I think, for a
lot of years, we were a terribly codependent couple, and then all of the
sudden, I didn’t feel fulfilled by being needed. I felt suffocated.
"A coworker
got too drunk at an office party and made a suggestive comment to me… It sounds
weird, but…the next day, I felt better about my situation. I liked having a
secret from my husband. He was being a bad husband, but I was being a bad wife.
I wasn’t a victim; I was also a player in the game. It felt good.
"So I slept
with the coworker. I didn’t even like him, but I wanted something that was
mine. My job, my car, and my friends weren’t mine. But this dirty sex was mine,
and he couldn’t touch it.
"Later, I
quietly fell in love with my best friend. After saving money, applying for
other jobs, and planning, I left my husband. That affair was different. It
showed me that there were things I could lose by staying, even though I had
been so scared of what I could lose by leaving.”
Beth, 29,
Austin, TX
“When I met B, I
was at a place in my life when I was ready for a serious relationship. I had
casually dated a lot of men, but I hadn’t maintained a long-term relationship
since college.
"B was the
perfect candidate; he was sweet, gentle, and totally the guy that you take home
to mom. We fell in love fast, and everything was natural and easy — except the
sex. He had only had one girlfriend prior to me, a very long-term relationship,
and he was usually happier to cuddle and fall asleep than have sex.
"For a few
months, I earnestly tried to curb my sex drive and content myself with our own
form of intimacy. Then, I was visited by an out-of-town friend with whom I had
a long history of hookups. The chemistry and sexual tension was unbearable, so
I caved and slept with him.
"I never
told B. Yes, it was dishonest, but B and I come from different places sexually.
Personally, I am able to have casual sex without emotional attachment, and I
don’t know if everyone can do that — definitely not B. I physically cheated,
but I was still emotionally faithful. If I had told him, he wouldn’t have
understood.
"I
eventually called off the relationship for other reasons, and it was probably
for the best. We were just two different people with two different
relationships with sex.”
No comments:
Post a Comment